Safe with Me

Seven Techniques to Help You Feel Safe in Your Own Skin

I used to think safety came from the material world: a cozy home, plenty of spending money, a stable relationship, a thriving business, a healthy body, and a good relationship with your family.

But at the beginning of 2024, I had none of that.

I was living alone, penniless, single, and jobless. By society’s standards, I was a big, fat failure.

And yet. . . despite the lack of material safety, despite the warnings from my family and worries of my friends, despite not being where I “should” be at age 33—

I’ve never felt safer.

Internal Safety

No matter what our lives look like on the outside— whether we have a full bank account or an empty one, a loving partner or a dating app, our dream job or just a dream— we could all use a reminder that safety doesn’t come from outside, it comes from within.

Think about it:

• You have to feel safe with you before you feel safe being seen.

• You have to feel safe with you before money feels safe with you.

• You have to feel safe with you before you attract a partner who feels safe with you.

• You have to feel safe with you before you feel safe where you live.

• You have to feel safe with you before you can build sustainable success.

A deep sense of internal safety helps us make the right decisions when times get tough. Because even though feeling safe won’t prevent you from being touched by disaster, disease, war, or scarcity— it will provide you with a deep sense of certainty that you can overcome whatever life throws at you.

My Journey to Safety

Before I learned how to feel safe inside my own skin, I was a nervous wreck.

Unexpected bills ruined my day (and more often my whole week). Arguments with my partner made me slip instantly into avoidant detachment. Disagreements with my family made me shut down all thoughts and feelings.

I chose to self medicate to deal with my anxiety— drinking at least two glasses of wine a night, working myself to exhaustion with 80-hour work weeks, and spending any free time drowning my thoughts with distractions like TV, video games, and fantasy books.

Then, in the wake of the pandemic, I joined a program called Soul Purpose. A program to heal my inner child and find my way in life.

Over a six month period, my small group was assigned weekly meditation/ healing practices, each of which was between 15 to 45 minutes long.

To my shock, I couldn’t make it through five minutes of the first meditation. Any time I tried, I panicked. The silence and stillness was just too uncomfortable.

That marks the first moment I became aware of how unsafe I felt.

Alone and in silence, all of my fears came rushing to the surface. Because even though I had a job, a comfortable long-term partner, and a decent relationship with my family. Even though I paid my bills, went out for drinks, and hung out with my friends on weekends. Even though my life looked pretty together from the outside—

I was deeply afraid.

My anxiety was a natural result of my inability to address the fear lying beneath the surface. My nerves a potent message from my gut, heart, and intuition that something wasn’t quite right.

But it took me several years to find the techniques that would help me feel safe inside my own skin. To make friends with my fears and greet my anxiety with curiosity rather than detachment.

7 Techniques to Feel Safe with You

Living without money, a relationship, a career taught me how to feel safe with me. But you don’t need to lose everything to learn this lesson.

Below I’ve listed seven of the techniques that helped me find internal safety.

But before you dive into these techniques, I have to say this—

No matter where you are on your healing journey, whether you are just starting out or many years along, you deserve to feel safe. You deserve to find that deep sense of internal purpose and wellbeing that allows you to step off the beaten path and pursue your dreams. And I hope that these techniques can help you find that.

1. Grounding

To release other people’s energy and reconnect to you.

Grounding reminds you that you don't have to control everything to feel safe. Nature shows us this truth— the earth remains solid beneath our feet without effort, rivers find their way forward, and trees let go of their leaves when it's time.

Growth happens when we step outside of our comfort zones. And sometimes the most important changes come when we stop fighting and simply allow ourselves to transform.

When you ground, you let go of everything but your deep connection to the Earth. You come back to your breath, your body, your emotions, your thoughts, and let go of everything else.

Grounding is coming home to you.

This is my favorite grounding practice— the one I first learned during Soul Purpose! Try it for yourself and begin the slow process of coming home to yourself.

2. Move and Meditate

To see what’s hiding beneath the busyness.

Meditation was painfully difficult for me when I first began addressing my fear and lack of safety. Thankfully, my first coach was amazing and gave me permission to move during those first few meditation and healing practices.

These days, I can sit still during meditation without too much trouble, but I still love the combination of movement and meditation. Together, they help you sit with and process any uncomfortable sensations, feelings, and thoughts.

In the beginning, meditation and movement simply show you what you’ve been ignoring, which is why it’s so difficult to start. Trauma, unprocessed emotions, persistent thoughts, grief, betrayal, and so many other things vie for your attention every time you sit in stillness and close your eyes.

But over time, movement and meditation can also be used to zero in on the thoughts you want to expand. To cultivate the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs you want to see more of in your life.

Plus, every time you show up and listen to your body, even when it’s super uncomfortable, you prove to yourself you are safe with you. That you are ready to listen and willing to change.

Internal safety begins here, with the smallest most uncomfortable actions repeated over time.

I teach an online Move and Meditate every week on Insight Timer. Each practice consists of 5-10 mins of breathwork, 10-15 mins of intentional, somatic movement, and 10-15 minutes of meditation. Each week there’s a new theme. I hope you join me!

(Also, paid Substack subscribers get access to an exclusive LIVE Move & Meditate the first Friday of every month.)

3. Morning Pages (Journaling)

To see your repetitive thoughts and release them.

Morning pages are a powerful practice that I adopted from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. For me, morning pages helped with two things:

• Finding the patterns in my thoughts, beliefs, feelings.

• Showing up consistently for myself (a crucial component of internal safety which we will discuss more in #5)

In the beginning, journaling every morning helped me get to know myself better. It showed me where I was unhappy (all of the things I complained about non-stop for days) and where I was content (the things I had to remind myself to write down).

But really, the best part about journaling is that it’s a consistent way for me to show up and give attention to what was going on inside my own head. I spent so many years brushing away intrusive thoughts and ignoring the messages from my body, and journaling healed a lot of that neglect.

Journaling helped me trust myself again, and internal safety hinges on self love and self trust.

If you’re interested in learning about morning pages, I suggest you try it as part of Julia Cameron’s 12-week program in The Artist’s Way. It’s powerful, simple, and healing: all the good things.

4. Pausing

To teach you how to be present and listen without responding.

There is so much power in a pause.

Waiting to react from a place of neutrality is one form of pausing. Waiting for your friends to finish her story without formulating a response is another.

But there’s also the smaller pauses that we take throughout the day. Pausing for an extra five minutes to savor our morning coffee or to allow a thought to come through even if we are busy with other things.

Pausing is how you start to hear the messages from your body more clearly. Without pauses, you won’t hear the nudges from your gut, the messages from your heart, and the whispers from your intuition.

Pausing is essential to internal safety.

I adopted pausing from Richard Rudd, writer of The Gene Keys. If you’re into personality typing systems, astrology, or Human Design, definitely check him out.

Also, here’s a short pausing practice I created to get you started. Happy pausing!

5. Consistency

To prove to yourself that you are ready to show up and do the work.

Part of feeling safe with you is showing up for yourself every single day. That means choosing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and go to bed on time. That means making sure you feel safe with every choice you make.

Building a healthy lifestyle takes time. And just because you are committed to feeling safe with you doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes or repeat bad habits. You are human after all.

But consistently choosing the right thing more often than the wrong thing is how you build self trust.

Morning Pages taught me how to show up for myself every single day. Then, after Morning Pages became a habit, I used that consistent practice to build others, including daily meditation and movement.

The cool thing is that once you prove to yourself you can be consistent with one thing, you see how possible it is to carry that skill over into other areas of your life. You build your healthy habits, brick by brick, day by day, beginning with one small action.

One of my favorite creators who frequently speaks about the power of consistency is Matt Gottesman. I highly recommend his podcast and substack for anyone looking to deepen their connection to their own creativity, consistency, and internal safety.

6. Take the Tiniest Action

To empower yourself through action.

The hardest part is the beginning— the first 5 minutes of meditation, getting into the car to go to the gym, buying groceries instead of ordering take out.

To prove you are safe with you, you have to take the tiniest action. You have to push through the resistance time and time and time again. You have to show up.

But once you take that action, it’s like the whole world opens up. You feel empowered to make more choices, take more actions. You learn to trust yourself again, and think, maybe, just maybe, you were safe with you all along.

Ask yourself what you’ve been avoiding, and don’t overthink it. And then, miracle of all miracles, do that thing.

7. Curiosity

To approach all of life as a lesson.

What if life wasn’t all that serious? What if you were allowed to make mistakes? What if, horror of all horrors, you were allowed to just be human for once?

I don’t know when it happens, but at some point in our life, we step out of the box for the first time. We take a chance, make a mistake, and— we’re criticized for it.

In it’s natural wisdom, our subconscious mind and ego take note of this instance—mistakes = unsafe.

Over time, the mind collects all sorts of instances of things that made us feel unsafe and reminds us to avoid them. But our subconscious is a bit misguided. It’s programmed to help us survive, not thrive.

Approaching your life with curiosity means allowing yourself to make mistakes again. To choose the wrong thing and learn the lesson. To mess up and try again anyway.

If nothing else, give yourself this gift—

Approach your decisions, your thoughts, your fears with curiosity rather than judgment. Dig around a little bit to see what lies beneath the surface. And accept that no matter how many times you mess up, there is always the option to try again.

The Journey Back to You

Safety isn’t about having everything figured out. It's about knowing that no matter what happens, you can handle it. It's about showing up for yourself day after day, even when it's uncomfortable. It's about treating yourself with the same patience and understanding you'd offer your loved ones.

When I look back at the last few years, at my journey from nervous wreck to unshakable internal safety, I am honestly so impressed with myself.

Not because I finally found the perfect job or ideal relationship—far from it. But because, despite not having it all figured out, I've learned to trust myself again.

Your journey to feeling safe with yourself won't look exactly like mine, and that's how it should be. What’s important is that you start. That you take that first step and sit with your fear for five minutes. That you look at your mistakes with curiosity. That you come how to yourself again and again and again.

Because when you feel safe with you, you become a safe harbor not just for you, but for everyone around you.

With love and light,

This Week’s Journal Prompt—

• Make a list of all the things that make you feel safe vs unsafe. How can you cultivate more safety without referring to external things like your bank account, your home, your family, or your partner?

And don’t forget to share this with someone who needs a little reminder than safety comes from within!