Why Some Demons Never Die

And How You're Still Healing Even When the Past Doesn't Stay Dead

Not long ago, I wrote about how food was my safety net. How carbs and sugar were my go-tos when I needed comfort, grounding, and nervous system regulation. And how through deep healing—physical, emotional, energetic—I learned to feel safe without them.

But not this month. This month, I’m struggling.

For no reason that I can see, I’ve been craving sugar and carbs. I feel like I need them ] and I’m having a really hard time resisting the temptation.

It’s annoying because it was only a year ago that I learned to feel safe without them. One year.

It took a lifetime to stop eating them. To cut out sugar, stop eating processed carbs, go gluten-free. To lose 30 pounds. To feel comfortable and at home in my body.

And now? There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t crave sugar. Cookies, sandwiches on a sub roll, a random piece of candy I find in a bowl somewhere—I want it all.

Worse even than that—I’ve been saying yes to most of it.

Which is annoying as hell, because I already fought this battle. I already won. I was sugar-free, light in my body, clear in my mind. I was proud of myself. I remember thinking, “This is it. I’m done. I’ll never go back.”

And now here I am, one year later, craving sugar like the last year never happened.

It’s humbling. Frustrating. And honestly? A little funny.

Because I used to think healing was a straight line. A one-time thing. Like you defeat your demons, roll credits, end of story.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Healing doesn’t come with a series finale. The monsters don’t stop showing up just because you slayed them once.

Old patterns and bad habits have a way of coming back around. And when they do, it feels like you’re right back at the starting line. Like all of the effort you put in to break the pattern didn’t matter in the slightest.

But it does matter. It does make a difference.

You’re not back at the beginning. You’re just being asked to look at it from a new angle.

You just need a perspective shift.

Photo by Igam Ogam on Unsplash

The Buffy Complex

When I was younger, I was a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Well—Buffy and basically every other badass woman warrior on TV: Xena, Nikita, Sydney Bristow from Alias. You get the picture.

I loved watching bad ass women fuck shit up.

But I also remember watching Buffy defeating the vampires over and over and over again, and thinking, Poor Buffy. Where do all these vampires keep coming from? Will the battle ever be over?

Buffy didn’t want to be the Vampire Slayer—she just wanted to live a normal life. She was always trying to leave vampires in the past and move on.

And adult me gets that in a way my teenage self couldn’t. Because life is a lot like Buffy.

We keep facing the same demons, over and over again. Sometimes they show up with a different face, but part of us recognizes that they’re the same. The same fear. The same craving. The same pattern.

Even when you think you’ve defeated it—stake to the heart—somehow, four seasons later, you’re fighting it again.

It’s exhausting. And discouraging.

Like me this week, battling sugar on every grocery shelf.

Last June, I was sure the battle was over. Now, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to stop.

Which begs the question:

Can we ever truly break a habit?

Is it my destiny to battle sugar for the rest of my life?

Some people don’t even crave sugar. My last boyfriend didn’t even like dessert. (Yes, I know. Red flag.)

But I don’t think these recurring battles are punishments. The exact opposite actually. I think they are meant to guide us to our purpose. To lead us to our potential.

The first time I fought this battle I learned A LOT.

• I learned how to feel safe without carbs.

• I learned how to put my health first.

• I learned to say no.

• I learned to stick up for myself in restaurants.

• I learned how to trust myself again.

I learned so much I have to wonder what else there is to learn.

But I’m open to finding out. Because yes, I do believe you can truly break a habit. But I don’t think it happens when we’re fighting, I think it happens when we allow ourselves to be flawed, to fail, to start again.

You can’t break a habit through resisting it.

You break it by allowing it to move through you, to teach you, to guide you.

By allowing it to break you.

To crack you open and reveal the potential that lies beneath.

I know someday I won’t crave sugar anymore. At least, not in the way I do right now.

The need to feel clean and healthy will override my physical cravings. My higher self will override my demons.

So, maybe it’s not about breaking the habit, but showing up for the battle even when you don’t want to.

Less about healing and more about trying again with a fresh perspective.

I used to think healing meant putting it all behind me.

Now, I think that healing is what happens when the same demon shows up—but this time, you don’t run. This time, you rise to meet it, a little wiser, a little stronger, a little less willing to put up with your own bullshit. This time, you already know you can kick its ass—so there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from doing it again.

Full Circle vs. Going in Circles

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between “coming full circle” and “going in circles.” And honestly, I’m starting to believe they’re two parts of the same process.

Coming full circle is that moment when you’ve completed a cycle. Like I did this time last year.

Sugar cravings neutralized. Lesson learned. Time to move on.

But sometimes, what you think is closure… is actually just the end of season one.

Then comes season two: new circumstances, new challenges—and the same old demons.

Like my recent sugar cravings. I came full circle, only to find myself going in circles.

The trouble is that what feels like the same battle isn’t actually the same. I am not the girl I was last year. Or the girl I was last month. Or even last week.

This version of me is wiser, stronger. This version of me knows how to stop eating sugar.

So, instead of going around in circles, I’m ready to go a level deeper.

You aren’t going around in circles if each cycle brings you closer to the root of the problem. It may feel like you’re repeating the lesson, but that’s only because it’s foundational. It’s part of why you’re here. A lesson you’re meant to keep meeting until you embody it fully.

So even if it feels like you’re fighting the same battle for the third, fourth, or fifth time, it’s only because there’s something new to learn. Another layer of healing to unfold.

I know, I know. You might be tired of the Buffy metaphor. But stay with me a little longer.

Early on in the series, Buffy only fights one or two vampires at a time. The battles match her own ability to fight.

By the series finale? She’s battling hundreds—and barely breaking a sweat.

Each round of the fight teaches her how to shove a stake into their heart more efficiently. To react more quickly. To trust herself more fully.

And that’s what I think happens with healing, too.

Each cycle teaches us something new. We act faster. We move with more confidence. We defeat the villain more quickly.

Because even though it’s annoying to fight the same battle again, is the battle really the same if you’ve changed?

Last year, I didn’t know I could cut out sugar completely. This year, I do. That part of the battle is already won.

I don’t know what this season has to teach me, but I’m here for it. I’m present and I’m listening. And maybe that’s exactly the point.

Are We Ever Truly Healed?

Will Buffy ever stop fighting vampires?

Will I ever stop craving sugar?

I don’t know. But honestly… I kind of hope not.

I hope I keep getting the chance to see what’s next.

Because as much as my demons try my patience, I don’t actually mind the fight.

I’ve learned so much from my relationship with sugar and carbs. And if these cravings are back to teach me something new—then I’m ready to listen.

Maybe we are never truly healed, but we are always healing. We are coming full circle and starting the cycle over again. And we are going deeper with each turn of the wheel.

A few years ago, I didn’t even realize how much I leaned on sugar and carbs for emotional safety. I just ate them.

Now, I’m hyperaware. Now, I know that teaching for that cookie or the chocolate or the bagel means something. And that knowledge reminds me to pause, to notice, to ask what I really need.

Because I don’t think the goal is to never crave sugar again. I think the goal is to stay present with the cravings—and then choose, from a grounded place, what happens next.

That might look like eating the cookie, but with more intention.

It might mean hiding from sugar while I deal with whatever’s come up.

But being “healed” isn’t the point.

The point is adopting the lessons, integrating the healing, and returning to the fight—again and again—with more awareness, more love, more grace.

Photo by Leila de Haan on Unsplash

What Is Your Vampire?

We all have our own versions of vampires. Right now, sugar is mine. Yours might be overworking, avoidance, people-pleasing, alcohol, doom-scrolling.

Like Buffy, we don’t always get to choose our battles— but we do get to choose how we face them.

So, the next time you feel yourself get sucked into an old pattern or trapped in the cycle, don’t panic.

Pause. Breathe. Get curious.

Ask yourself: What is this demon here to teach me?

But most importantly, pay attention.

Where are you? What triggered it? Who’s around? What is your body trying to tell you?

Because these patterns don’t show up to ruin your life, they show up to help you rewrite it. But only if you’re paying attention.

So notice the pattern.

Learn the lesson.

And then do what Buffy would do: Sharpen your stake. Flip your hair. And walk straight into the cemetery without hesitation.

You’ve fought this one before.

You’ve got this.

This Week’s Journaling Prompt:

What battles are you fighting for the third, fourth, or fifth time? How have you changed since the last time you fought? What does your gut say about what this cycle is here to teach you?

And don’t forget to share with someone who loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

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